Just a preview. We started our move Friday got most all of the rest of the stuff yesterday, hence my absence. And somehow in the move I guess with all the dust, I ended up with an eye infection. So C is off getting her tattoo finished and I am stuck home unpacking. We also got our big 55 inch TV moved over and when we went to use it realized the bulb was out. We take that as an excuse to buy ourselves a new one, but in the mean time we do have the small tv you see in the video. Once I get everything set up I’ll post some pictures. You never truly really realize how much crap you have until you move. We even went through and threw away quite a bit before moving. This move was the first time that we paid movers to come and move our big items. They are a firefighting moving company, a.k.a. firefighters come and move our stuff. It was the best expense we’ve had, we had to pay $400, but that is with tip. They moved all of our items in an hour and a half. I also got to talk to you C last night about her therapy appointments and us. I really think we got to the bottom of quite a few things. I feel a lot more secure after talking to her. Anyway, back to music and unpacking. Have a great Sunday everyone!!
Month: February 2016
Feels
*Sigh* I was going to watch Grey’s Anatomy but I decided to watch American Idol first and found myself bawling with Keith Urban and Kelly Clarkson over her song “piece by piece”. Seriously yall just go take a listen, catch the live clip from American idol, just listen. Now I just can’t do the Grey’s Anatomy ugly cry night. Will have to wait on that one.
I’ve had a day. C is seeing a therapist to help her handle all the emotion instability that comes with bariatric surgery. When one used to cope by eating, and now cannot eat…well you see the problem. C and I communicate very well, we don’t hold on to pride. We talk things out and we generally tell each other everything, like best friends do. However, when it comes to things she maybe isn’t happy with concerning us or me in general, she seems to just shut down. She is so afraid of hurting my feelings or putting any pressure on our relationship that she just bottles it all up and keeps it sealed. So when she started therapy it terrified me. What if she goes and uncovers all those bottles? Like an alcoholic coming to terms with their addiction. And what if the therapist…doing their job….helps her see I’m not the right fit? Is this logical? Absolutely not. I want her to get the help she needs emotionally. I want her to grow as a person with me and within herself. I want her to be the happiest she can possibly be. But in my own selfish way I think….what if she suddenly realizes she is too good for me?
On the other side of the coin, I am obviously the one in the relationship with some major issues. My anxiety being at the top of the list. We can never “afford” really for me to get the help I really need. But….we’ve been able to afford therapy sessions for her. Does this make any sense? I guess I just am being selfish all around. I want her to talk to me, not a therapist. I want us to work through our own problems, our couple problems and life in general, this day sucks, let’s cuddle and make out problems.
We’ve had talks before previously too about her telling her best friend everything that’s bothering her regarding us or me, but she doesn’t say it directly to me. I guess if her best friend had ever really taken time to get to know me, or if it was a mutual friend who could see both sides I would probably be okay with this. I’m not close to her best friend, we don’t really talk other than small talk when we see each other and through social media. I don’t trust that her best friend has enough insight on the two of us to give a fair opinion. Nor do I think that if ALL her best friend ever hears when she comes in to town is the downfalls, how can she really ever see the highlights?
I really do feel that I have a great relationship. I feel like I have a partner that I can make it the long haul with, but we have issues just like anyone else. We need to work them out, and I am so very fearful of ever letting anyone else in to “our world”. I feel like the less people know about your personal love life, the better of you will be.
After C’s appointment she came to drop some things off at my work for me. I could tell she had been crying and I know that her therapy sessions should be hers and HER process. But when I see her and know she has been or is upset, I definitely want to know why. What happened? And it’s like I can see her physically shut down when I ask. I then immediately feel scared, like it’s all happening and I better get used to seeing her go.
I remember a conversation we had one night very clearly. And what I heard her say was that had she known how BAD my anxiety was, she probably wouldn’t of started the relationship. Now…I know she meant from the get go. I know she doesn’t mean she wants to leave now just because she sees it now. But I literally went into panic mode. Where will I live? Will I move? Will she move? What’s going on? How can I fight this and win and keep her? It’s insane to have that conversation in your head. I was miserable for days. I know I am co-dependent in many ways. I just need help. My own sort of help and I need to feel like my partner is telling me things. I need to know that I am truly her best friend, her person and that we are IN this together, until we die.
But hey, tomorrow is a new day. We get to move to our new place tomorrow. And I need to think about the changes I want to make for myself and within myself.
Fly By Thursday, Fly byyyy.
Today is FLYING! I am excited about this because then I am closer to move day tomorrow. C is going to leave her parent’s SUV we are borrowing at the house and ride into work with her co-worker. So when I get off work today, the packing of the SUV begins. I’m going to get as much in there as possible, a game of Tetris if you will. Our plan is to pack all the boxes and small stuff and get that done Friday before the movers come on Saturday morning. I know none of this is important to you all reading this, but I’m just really excited!
So I’ve talked a lot about C..but never given you the full back story of us. C and I began talking through face book in January of 2013. I found her on a local lesbian group and immediately began face book stalking her pictures etc. I was pretty confident back then and decided to just message her and start talking to her. We had two days where we talked on the phone for 3-4 hours at a time before we could meet due to our work schedules. At the time she was working overnight pediatric home health. I was still working retail management. I had been out of a relationship at this point for about 8-9 months which was actually a long period for me compared to the past. I had come out of a relationship with an alcoholic who was not only a cheater, but lied and eventually popped me right in the face one night. I was done after that but she wouldn’t leave our apartment when we split in August. She did not officially leave until November. I had no choice in this because we were both on the lease. ANYWAY.
So C and I finally met on January 21st, 2013. We just couldn’t wait any longer so she came over when she got off work at about 7:30 in the morning. I was in pajamas, we laid in bed and talked till about noon and then both cuddled up and went to sleep for a few hours. It was SO easy, and SO comfortable. By January 28th, 2013 we made it official. By February 28th, 2013 we moved in together in our first apartment. It was tiny, it was originally meant to be JUST hers so it was rather small. We definitely did the stereo typical “U-hauling” , but I feel like at my age I knew it was right and sometimes you just know. SO then on January 30th, 2014 she proposed. It was simple, just like she knew I would like. I love the movie UP, so her proposal included lots of colorful balloons…which she attached little cards to with lyrics from some of our favorite songs. She proposed to me on a rainy day in our third apartment together, in our living room. She bawled, I was in shock. She’s definitely just as sensitive as me, but sometimes a bit more…one of the MANY things I love about her.
So here we are…three years later. We haven’t set a date for a wedding because I am terrified to walk down an aisle with people staring at me. My anxiety is holding off a lot in my life, but mostly I am sad that it will push my wedding back. I know she’s the one I want to spend my life with, my anxiety just has other plans sometimes. I can honestly say we perfectly compliment each other. We’ve made it further than some people might of guessed in the beginning, minus those who truly knew us BOTH well mutually. I don’t know how I never met her before as my friends H & S, that I have known for ten years, had known her as well for a few years. I guess the timing just wasn’t right yet for us. But I’m glad we met when we did and have spent the last three years loving each other and supporting each other.
She is the first partner I have had that helps financially, understands and loves unconditionally and truly HAS my back. I’ve spent a lot of time on the wrong people and ignoring red flags. It has been truly wonderful being with her and being apart of her life and she is really my best friend, my person. Sometimes it can be very scary putting that much trust in someone, especially for someone like me with “abandonment issues”. Somedays I wonder what keeps her with me, if I truly just make her that happy and if it will ever one day not be enough and she would leave. But I like to think our love is like gobstoppers, that never ending kind of love! Anyway…until next time!
I will try to post some pictures once I get the new place decorated. I LOVE unpacking so I assume I will be done hanging decor and unpacking by Saturday night.
Two-fer.
Who came up with that word? Twofer? Two-fer? Two for One? Well you, my friends, get a two for one blog today! I am staying “in” on lunch at work today. I have plenty to do but wanted to just take a minute, sigh a bit and eat some crackers.
Let me start by saying, I absolutely DO love my job. My boss is bonkers, fun, blunt and it makes her interesting to work for. She also challenges me on so many things. My title is technically Office Assistant, however I do a lot of legal assistant and legal secretary duties. I have my own cases that I manage and take direction from my boss. Mostly I handle MVA cases, which are motor vehicle accidents. But I also deal with divorce cases and child custody cases. The only pet peeve I have really is menial tasks. As in, when I am asked to do something that in the time it takes to ask me to do it, it could of been done. This has been the case all day so far today. So I’m just laughing it off, enjoying the silence at the office of lunch hour and moving along. I’m almost to the end of the week which means new place, a weekend off with C, and lots of decorating. I worked in retail management for about 11-12 years, and while I was really good at it and enjoyed it… Sometimes you just need a change. I knew I wanted to get into an office setting. I am very good at organization and I can knock out tasks very quickly if I know what I am doing. I was brought in by an (ex) friend, with his recommendation, I flew quickly through. I eventually surpassed him in abilities and my boss has rewarded me with raises timely. I work 8:00 am to 5:00 pm which for someone who worked retail for so long this is an epic schedule. Did I mention that is Monday – Thursday and Friday’s I work 8:00 am- 2:00 pm? No weekends, no holidays. It’s a really great schedule, although C works 3:00 pm- 11:00 pm, every other weekend off. Which leaves not a lot of time for us during the week since I am usually asleep by the time she arrives home.
So really…no…I cannot complain about my job, but of course everyone has their moments. This job also gives me so much experience should C and I ever move from this dreadful little town. Although, I don’t think I’d find another attorney that I like as much as I like my boss. Or the chill atmosphere of this small office. We only have three employees total (that includes my boss) so it leaves less room for personality conflicts, etc.
Also, the new apartment we are moving into is literally a minute walk if not less from my job. With me not driving due to my anxiety, C has always had to get up in the mornings to take me to work and I generally find rides home from work. Either from my mom, or various friends, sometimes co workers. But now I will be able to walk to and from work. AND hopefully lose some weight in the process. With C’s rapid weight loss from her bariatric surgery, sometimes you cannot help but feel in competition to try to lose some as well. C has always been bigger than me, and when we first met I was coming off a year of basically not eating a lot, drinking a lot and had lost 45 – 50 lbs in the process. Break up diets are not recommended but I dropped pounds. Of course after a year into our relationship I gained it all back, happy weight is the general term. Either way hopefully in this new place with a gorgeous walking trail behind it, my office being so close and having access to making food at home on my hour lunch breaks…I can shed some weight.
Until next time friends, I better get back to work.
Nancy, you’re not normal.
I had a rough day yesterday. All morning was fine, work day went fine. I just had a burst of emotion at the end of the evening about a few things. I called to talk to C at work and just started crying, which in turn made her sad. Every year on my birthday I get kind of down, not because I am vain or because I’m spoiled. My dad forgets my birthday every year, we’ve never been super close and I know he just doesn’t pay attention to those kinds of events. But regardless, it still hurts. Last year I found my half sisters on face book. I knew about them my whole life but never got to meet them until last year. They both live in Georgia, and I live in Texas. The road trip was about 16 ish hours, but so worth meeting them. The reason I am telling you this is that the younger of the two sisters has the same birthday as me. What are the odds really? So it makes me even more mad now that not only does he have one child with my birthday, but two of us with the same birthday yet he still forgets. So every year I want my birthday to be a big deal. The last two years really haven’t been all that great, and with losing so many friends in our old city…it just feels blah. So we decided this year we would go to OKC for my birthday, it’s a couple hours drive and that way I can do something totally different in a new city.
C’s first response was she didn’t know if we would have the money to go. I normally handle our finances and pay bills, etc. But I know that I would give up certain luxuries or find a way to get the money for us to go if situation were reversed. She didn’t mean to hurt my feelings nor did she even know she had. She said she’s already been planning stuff for our trip so I felt a lot better after hearing that. But let’s be honest, C has her work cut out for her. My social anxiety is not normal. I don’t like big surprises, I don’t like being the center of attention and I definitely hate the stereotypical “have the waiters sing to me in a resturant on my birthday” type of deal. SO….it can’t be a full surprise because I will need to know what’s going on to be prepared. I still want it to be a big deal. I’m turning 33 years old, it isn’t some monumental birthday or anything. No milestone birthday, but it’s MY birthday and I want to celebrate it.
Hope everyone has a great day, it’s HUMP dayyyyy. And I am so much closer to moving and still very excited for that. Until next time…
Turn Up Tuesday
Have you ever wondered where people get catch phrases from exactly? Like “turn up” or “turnt”?
Anyway, it is officially Tuesday and I got to work a little early this morning. My mom had an appointment for back injections, and being the lovely wonderful person she is my partner is taking her to the appointment and then bringing her home. This isn’t the beginning of the iceberg of the wonderful relationship my mom and partner have. Sometimes it’s easy to think my mom probably totally likes her more than me. This doesn’t cause me any pain, because hell…I like her too! lol.
I am ready for the week to fly by, we move as I said before on Saturday. I am thrilled to put together our new place. My wallet shows the damage in fact, HELLO $182.56 to Hobby Lobby. Let Hobby Lobby be as anti gay as they like, I still shop the hell out of their store. We will soon be getting a “At Home” store which used to be Garden Ridge, so I’m sure Hobby Lobby will have a little competition. I’ve also run across a sit called “Dot & Bo” and I absolutely LOVE their decor minus the higher prices. I’ve posted links at the bottom with a few other places I love to shop.
I’ve promised myself I will write at least SOMETHING every day, and maybe on the days I don’t really have the time to sit down and write I can just give you some pictures or funny memes. Who knows.
My partner, we will call her “C”, had her HESI exam for nursing school yesterday and passed with an 87! This is very exciting, as it will make getting into the nursing program much easier with a higher score. Of course she always feels she could do better, but she’s a smart cookie so we will take the 87 and run with it.
I hope you all have a wonderful Tuesday! Until next time…go shop a few of these awesome links:
Don’t worry Monday, I’ll be your friend.
It’s the first day of the week, which most hate. I don’t really mind Monday’s, seems it’s one of the busier days of the week and I really enjoy staying busy. I suppose working for an attorney’s office will keep most anyone busy but I enjoy running around like a crazy person. Although of course, some days I hate being so busy like any normal person would. I spoke to my partner this morning about making my own blog. She was supportive as I suspected she would be, but I do want to keep my blog to myself for awhile. How many of you keep your blogs personal from friends and family? Is this common?
I feel like in order for me to really write how I truly feel, I need to keep it as my own secret hidden gem for awhile. Gather my thoughts more fluidly and figure out what I want to share and not share. I really have no complaints in my love life and work life is just your normal “sometimes I want to kick my boss” days. (Which I’d never do by the way, shes a little crazy but she’s right up my alley….which is why we get along.) Not to mention, she is a great attorney and I really respect her work.
In other news, my love has her HESI exam today. For those not in the know, that is an exam to get into nursing school. She is already an LVN and has been for a number of years but is now going back to get her full RN. She would love to do trauma or psychiatric. I admire her drive and how smart she is. She’s also recently (in August 2015) had bariatric surgery. She went from 270 lbs to 188 lbs so far, which is very exciting for her and I am happy for her. (I’ll go more in depth about this in other blogs.)
I just spilled hot chocolate all down the front of my cardigan – thank god it’s black.
Anyway, off to work I go. Hoping for a busy monday and this week to fly by. We get to move to our new apartment this weekend which is LITERALLY a minute walk from my work. Have a great week guys!
“grown up, move in, work your shit out, last forever love”
You’ve given me more than I’ve ever imagined. I don’t mean to be so ungrateful by being such a cluster f*ck of emotions. I know that some days I can be completely unreliable with my emotions and what I am “up to do”. I know sometimes it sucks to have to stand in line for us everywhere when I just can’t stand still enough to do it. I know you aren’t a cab driver by profession but I appreciate your endless rides wherever I need to go. I’ve never met someone like you. And often, I’m jealous that I’m not more like you. I know that sounds silly because I know how very much you love me just the way I am. But sometimes it’s lonely in the background. I know you don’t care if you get attention or not. I know that you are just THAT electric that people just immediately love you. No one doubts you or your abilities. No one has a bad word to say when your name comes up. Everyone rejoices in your soul, every day. You’re just popular, you always have been and always will be.
I’m sorry that my feelings of less than and anxiety sometimes interrupt our beautiful life. I know that so many people consider me the lucky one, and I know how much you feel like you are the lucky one. I appreciate how everyday I feel because of YOU. You make me want to be better. I don’t say that lightly, because I really feel like love after 30 is different than your 20’s are. Not to diminish those I’ve loved before, but I believe our love is “grown up, move in, work your shit out, last forever love”. I know that you will ALWAYS have my back and I hope you know I’d run to the ends of earth to be there for you.
Watching you walk up to my door the first time I met you just felt like the world stopped. I was in the prime of who I was…I felt like I had finally conquered some of my demons. I was physically closer to being what I wanted to be. I had my shit together for once, I had let go of those who broke me so badly. I was confident, I had a good job that I later realized just wasn’t meant to be.
We’ve made it three years, and I know a lot of people look up to us. I’m proud of that, although sometimes I think people still consider me who I was 10 years ago. They think this relationship works because YOU are you. I tell you, sometimes it’s hard to rejoice in anything when I feel like all the credit for everything we are falls to you. Like I said, this isn’t your fault. People think what they will and I know eventually someday Ill have to just stop giving a shit.
This has been a hard transition moving to WF. You know it has been for me. But I think I needed so badly to see the lack of friendships I really had. That I was holding on to people who didn’t really unconditionally love me and want to keep in touch. I needed to see that sometimes when you grow up, people don’t grow up with you. I needed to learn to enjoy me time…which I am still working on obviously but…I feel like I am finally letting go of what the metro plex was to me for so many years…most of my life. I know this post sounds SO bi polar, but I am trying to make sense of WHO I AM. With you, and on my own. I know some days it is hard to get a grasp on what I’m even doing with my life, but you make it go so much smoother. Waking up to you and having YOU as my partner helps. So even though I know why they all love you so much….I always find myself wondering why it’s ME you chose. Why it’s me you love so much. I don’t mean to demean or belittle who I am or myself, because I know that I too have worth. But when the focus is so much on you sometimes I feel left out.
I’m just rambling away. Till next time….
Muffy Blue & Frensky. Est. 2013
The Beginning…
Almost three years ago I turned 30 years old. I had a newly started relationship and a huge group of friends in a big city. My partner and I made a decision to move to a much smaller area, however I still live in a city of 105,000 people. I will turn 33 years old in March on the 19th, and I have a great job I love working for an attorney. I have an adorable but very needy pug named Bentley. She is our princess of course and is almost 3 years old. We also have a rat terrier Chihuahua mix named Buddy who is my absolute favorite thing on earth. He will be 10 soon and we hope he outlives us. So why am I here you ask?
Lately I’ve been looking back at my childhood years and the aspirations I had growing up of who I would be and what I would be doing by now. I don’t think I ever saw myself past 25 years old. It’s as if that was the oldest age I could imagine someone being. I do know that everything I always wanted to be remained typically the same throughout my childhood and teenage years. I still have the same goals, my motivation just never seemed to stay in tact to achieve those goals. I struggle with what I feel is severe anxiety, and the older I get the worse it seems to get. I am hoping that by blogging and pursuing things I feel passionate about that maybe I can help cure myself in a natural way.
I’ve always wanted to write, to be creative, to do something to make an impact on the world. I’ve lost more friends than I care to have lost in the move to our now home city. I moved from a bustling busy metroplex of hundreds of thousands of people, with a thriving gay community to a military and somewhat conservative city with a dark grungy side riddled with meth heads. I love any home I call my own with my partner, but I find myself longing for art, creativity, culture, fun places that don’t serve alcohol, and something to feed my mind. There is also a big college here, so you can imagine the social night life is a mixture of airmen and college kids which is not really fitting for someone who is about to be 33 and whose partner is about to be 38. I’m not complaining really. I’ve found myself a new career outside of retail management, which I hated. I found a partner who I am certain I will spend the rest of my living days with. We’ve achieved somewhat of a financially stable life, complete with two adorable dogs. I guess that makes us your typical lesbian couple. Or should I say “stereo-typical”.
I hope to use this blog to help me discover my interests, to find my passions, to pursue them and to journey through my anxiety troubles.
Punkin 