Oh, hey.

So…I have been gone….for over a year.

I want to keep writing, I know I should keep writing…but time and life seem to get away from us. So probably my whole blog will consist of blogs saying Oh, hey…I’m back again after a year.

Sorry about that, in advance.

I’ve been reading a lot. I’ve been scouring to find the best inspirational books I can find. I was also in a really bad crazy wreck last Tuesday. Can I say.. that hands down, I will never buy anything but KIA? My wife and I had a Kia soul (for less than two months), and it was like a bounce house in there. Not to make light of a wreck that could of really hurt us, but….the airbags were phenomenal. I am thankful, blessed, and still dealing with the shit emotionally…but BLESSED. That car literally saved our lives. We walked away emotionally hurt…but mostly just soreness and bruising otherwise.

I think we come away from big life events with a difference perspective of life and we just do what we can to make ourselves “live life to the fullest”, whatever that even means.

Why is it that we do that? I also want to share this thing I have always had during amazing things that happen in life during hard or stressful times. My friend Brittney died many years ago due to a freak accident. It was really a hard hit to our circle of friends, and in an unrelated accident we lost her best friend…also in our friend group, pass away two years later by a horrific murder.

So since Brittney died, I have seen lady bugs everywhere! Doesn’t matter the season or where I am, they appear out of nowhere. It is October, it is not really the season you see them often. But here we are and the day after our wreck, I was having a really hard time. Emotionally I do not handle car wrecks well since I have been in so many, I would rather the physical pain than the emotional.

I sat outside with my wife, and we were just talking and then here comes a lady bug. Few weeks after Brittney died, a lady bug appeared on a cart inside where I was working after a horrible breakup. On my wedding day I was SO nervous, SEVERAL lady bugs appeared in the corner of the room and flew around me. I literally have no explanation, it just keeps happening.

I’m off to bed, but I promise I will keep coming back. Even if it is a year later lol.

Love and peace my friends!

 

Goodbye Letter

So what are you guys thoughts about writing a “goodbye” letter to a parent who is not and has never really been active in your life?

Let me tell ya bout my bestfriend

“Let me tellllll ya bout my bestfriend….”

Except I do not have one. I have been best “friendless” for years. I don’t know if it is me, or if it is life. I don’t know what makes life turn in general lately.

We lost Jane…from my previous post. My wife’s Aunt Jane. We packed out a small town elementary gym and celebrated her life today. We spent several days before she passed on March 28th, 2017. We talked and laughed and cried. I watched people come and go and the family had their bestfriends around night and day helping and loving.

I guess when I was younger I thought I would have my bestfriends my whole life. I thought that it was like a marriage, you commit…you stay…thick and thin. But I guess it isn’t.

I feel lost by that. My wife is my bestfriend and I have no concerns she will ever go away …

fuck. i just miss having a best friend.

Whoooo goes there?

We’ve finally moved. Officially in the new apartment and loving it so far. Still quite a bit on unpacking to do or more so organizing. I have no complaints about the new place except for two things.

1. It is the country, so it is VERY dark at night.
2. We have barn owls nesting right above our bedroom.

Now let me just tell you a few things about barn owls. I am no expert but they are creepy as hell. They are mostly white in their face and bodies. And of course a tawny color. The white face against a pitch black sky is very scary. We did have someone come check them out and there are babies up there too. Because the barn owls are protected by the state, we cannot “kick” them out. So they will be there most likely through February and part of March. The problem is that when I step outside at night to enjoy my ciggarette, I do not enjoy my ciggarette. Instead I am constantly looking for owls. Owls that fly low, and owls that do not allow me to walk my small dogs. It’s crazy yall.

Also, in other news…I am the only Scentsy consultant in my town now. Which has been a huge blessing so far and hope it continues to be! I have bought myself lots of branding items so i can start really branding wherever I go. I don’t want to be the crazy Scentsy bling lady. But I will brand without the bling and hope people just see the genuine passion I have for what I do! PS..if you wanna shop with me and support my small business that throws some groceries on the table – https://jennmc.scentsy.us

Also, I wish I could afford the upfront cost to sell LulaRoe because oh my god I am obsessed with the leggings! But it’s like $5,000 up front I believe to get your initial inventory!

Anyway, sorry I’ve been absent again. I’ve been focusing on my youtube channel and bullet journaling ❤

Until next time!

 

Restless

I think my wife and I are super restless. We want our debt to disappear yesterday and we want to just be able to travel. Of course this wouldn’t ever really be possible with our dogs and with that whole having to work thing.

But being where we are now has proven to leave us bored and less than fulfilled. I am not sure where we will go after this year in our new place. We have always made excuses or reasons that we needed to stay where we are now. Our parents are here, we cannot afford it, me not driving, etc etc etc.

We live life like we have a million years. And of course like many I look back and think what the hell was I doing with my life in my twenties? Did I really do anything important or purposeful?

I have friends who have devoted their lives to ministries in other countries. I have friends who are firefighters, police officers, counselors, doctors, and are OBVIOUSLY contributing to society. So how does one contribute? How does one make something purposeful out of their life?

I am only 33 years old, I know I have many years to come. So I guess that is why I am spending as much time as I can writing, creating, vlogging, and doing the things that make me very happy. I really just wish that I could make a full living from just that alone. I am lucky that my wife is willing to work and let me not work. I am blessed for that.

I will continue to learn about my passions and what works for me. While making sure to nuture my wife’s needs and wants. I am still hopeful for the journey this year will provide!

 

xo,

JM

Safe space

I am  so excited for this new apartment you guys! It’s in the country so it is a little bit quieter than we are used to. It also has two stories, so it is technically a townhouse. ANYWAY, the upstairs will be where my “office” is. I don’t know why I put the quotations because it really is an office for my Scentsy and various other incomes. It will also be the place I blog and vlog. I have decided to begin using my youtube again and making videos. I used to do it for many many years but then just stopped for whatever reason. 

I am really excited to decorate my space there. I have items now but I feel like I just threw that together and I’d really rather hand pick the items and take my time picking them for that space. I will have my big comfy chair and my desk. But it is a rather small room and I am not sure how much can really go in there. I suppose that is the point of minimalism though, is that we don’t NEED all that stuff!

Hopefully this decor thing doesn’t turn out how it does when I play the Sims. I know, that is stupid.BUT I LOVE the sims and the reason I say that, is because typically I love decorating the houses in the game and then I barely play or use the characters. I just spends hours and hours decorating their little sim houses and then move on to another house. They should make an interior design game that grades you as you go. I am sure someone has something similiar, I shall definitely have to see!

So I am curious for you guys input. Since I will be making vlogs as well, do you think you’d like seeing some of the video here too? Or just keep this to writing?

I don’t have much else going on today – more packing, wife is off work tomorrow and that is about it!

xo,

JM

Deserve the Love

We ALL deserve love. True, unflinching, unconditional, knock out-leave you breathless love. 

I have been married now for three months. However, on January 28th, my wife and I will have been together for four years. I look back at the relationships I had before and although some were as long-term as this relationship – I wasn’t really getting the love I deserved.

I know there is a difference between young love and mature love. I know that sometimes the people we meet are for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I also look back and think to myself Wow, you were so unloved. Is it because we do in fact attract the love we think we deserve. If this is the case, I did not love myself for a very very long time. I accepted cheating, physical abuse, humiliation, verbal abuse, and many other forms of attention that were never what I truly deserved. We have probably all had one or two bad loves. We have probably all had someone who we dated whether seriously or casually that we look back on and think WTH was I thinking?!

Now that I have met my wife, I believe that I now realize that I am not sure I deserve a creature like her, but I must have done some real loving of myself. Before I met my wife, I was six months out of one of the worst relationships I had ever had. I was utterly broken by the woman I dated before my wife. Not only was she an extreme alcoholic, she became physically abusive and had cheated on me several times. I felt like I had done something horrible for someone I loved to treat me so. I also can say with certainty that I had over ten red flags when I met this woman, and I completely ignored them.  So the relationship ended after 4 months of her living off of me and refusing to move out of our apartment.  I found out shortly before she left how many women she had been with, in OUR apartment on our bed, our couch. I was devastatingly broken. I cried for weeks. I drank a lot of alcohol and I was rarely home. I did not eat, I just drank. I went out constantly with my best friend. I didn’t take care of myself emotionally or my body physically. I even look back at pictures of myself during this relationship and I look physically ill. Not only was I put on blood pressure medicine while dating this woman, but I had my very inflamed gall bladder removed. I remember coming home with a JP drain still hanging from my side. My then partner couldn’t fathom why I didn’t want to go to a summer outdoor drinking party. I had to explain that a JP drain isn’t a fucking purse and that alcohol was the last thing I wanted while still recovering. So she went without me. She also visited me ONCE in my two-day stay at the hospital. So I lost fifty pounds after the breakup. I started regaining my confidence and really just enjoying myself. I started casually going on dates. Nothing solid was in my life.

So in January of 2013, I got on a local lesbian Facebook group. There she was. This blue-eyed, tattooed handsome woman. I facebook stalked her profile and pictures. I just said fuck it, and messaged her. We talked on facebook then switched over to text messages and then to two four-hour long phone conversations. I am a talker, my wife was not much of a phone talker so this was big. I went out with a group of close friends of mine. I admitted I had been talking to this amazing woman and that I would get to meet her soon. Long story short we find out that my friend of ten years, knew my wife as well. They were just as close to her as me. So why did my wife and I never meet before then? Well, fate…duh. Right? We couldn’t wait and she showed up one cold morning in January at my doorstep right when she got off of work. She came in, we laid in bed and talked and we slept for a few hours and then headed to her apartment and to run around for the day. We spent literally every single day we could together after that.

My wife wasn’t my “type”. I was at the thinnest I had ever been. I really felt pretty and attractive as a whole. I was confident and proud. My wife was – looking back now – severely overweight then. I had always dated women who were tall and mostly thin or thick. I never once saw her weight, I saw her loud live out love personality. She was the life of everywhere we went. People were immediately in love with her as soon as they met her.

So looking back….I never had love I deserved. And sometimes I did things that didn’t deserve love. But all of it had to of led me to my wife now. I accepted her love and I believe her love. I could be hairy, no makeup, bright red (as my skin can be sometimes) and sickly looking and my wife can still say “You’re beautiful”, and I believe her.

So cheers, you’ll find the love you deserve and the love that deserves yours.

Until next time…

P.S. the pictures I have attached are from when we first met. 🙂

Late night thoughts

So it is 2:00 a.m., and I have thoughts about 2017. And I don’t know if it is gramatically correct to put a.m. but I worked in a law office and my boss always got pissed off when I put am versus a.m. ANYWAY.

So every year we all make this huge promise of “I am going to eat better, I am going to be positive, I am going to live life to the fullest.” No. No you’re not. We all know you won’t so until your actions are singing and dancing, you’re not doing shit. I have never been real sure why people made resolutions, or why they  pretended that they would follow through with them. So I am going to make my own REAL resolutions.

I promise to not be as fucked up as I was in 2016. Maybe I will try to seek professional help (when I can afford it) to not be so anxious about leaves rolling by. *Okay maybe I don’t get anxious about that, but sometimes it feels that it is that trivial.

I promise to listen more, react less. *Let’s be honest- I will ALWAYS react, but I promise to TRY to see others perspectives.

I promise to make more friends and to nuture those friendships. *I actually want and need this to happen.

I promise to drink less. *hahahah, just kidding.

I promise to read more, and read outside of my normal genre. *I will actually do this. What genre do you recommend?

I promise to write daily, even if I have plans with my wife – or the new friends I vow to make. There is ALWAYS time to do things you plan for.

I am so sure I have a million more promises and vows. But mostly…I just want to continue to be happy with my wife and our fur babies in 2017. I legit won the lottery with my wife. She is entertaining, loving, loyal, sexy, happy, encouraging, inspiring, honest…Um like everything positive you could ever say about any human being – I am SURE she is that. I got lucky or whatever. And holy jesus, how do I compete?

Okay so anyway, until next time! Seriously, you’d love my wife if you met her. 🙂

Detached

We spend so much time with media. So much time reading about how Mariah Carey completely obliterated her set on TV for New Years Eve. Or “30 celebs you forgot about” articles. I could spend hours a day on the internet looking and reading and participating. I used to think of the internet as this mystical place where you could look up anything and get answers. Now I feel that the internet is so vast that there is too much to read or see or do.

I remember when I was about 16 years old, I was browsing the internet when I found a really interesting blog. I stayed up all night reading about this woman who had multiple personality disorder. Her blog told you all the different personalities, along with their names and where they came from. It was so interesting that I just couldn’t stop reading. My mom woke up in the morning and asked me if I was doing “white crosses”. I laughed so hard and had no earthly idea what she was referring to. I later asked and she told me that was slang for Methamphetamines or Amphetamines. I was just completely enthralled and excited about this hidden gem I had found. I have since completely forgotten what website this was or what the woman’s name was. I sure wish I could remember, because I would most likely read it again.

But now, as I said before, there is so much to read or see. We get caught up in all these things that we forget to move- do things, live life. We forget that we are sitting in a comfortable spot or with our friends even, completely distracted by our phones. Even when my phone is on silent, I am still distracted by the vibration of my cell phone when it goes off. Hell, I am distracted by the thought that maybe my phone has a notification.

I keep trying to make sure that I take as many moments as I can during the day without focusing on social media, texts, phone calls, etc. I find it hard when I am working my direct sales business with Scentsy. Since I live in a smaller town I have to really promote via social media to connect to those in other areas that I know. I have to make sure that I stay relevant.

I cannot imagine how crazy the differences would be if you looked a celebrity lives now versus back in the 1950’s. Life seemed so much more simple then, however a little too sheltered for me. Being a part of the LBGTQ community, I don’t imagine life would have been pleasant for me back then.

I just cannot imagine what life will be like in ten years from now, or where we will be with technology. I cannot imagine the amount of human interaction that will decline as we go through the years. I find it horribly sad that we are losing the most basic part of human nature to machines, cellular devices, and distractions.

Until next time…

Broke but Still Breathing.

I forgot my hour of writing yesterday. But I did complete the book I was reading and now will definitely have to watch the movie.

I have felt like I am suffocating all day. We are in a transition period from me leaving my full time job and focusing on my direct sales job with Scentsy. Scentsy is AMAZING, but just like any commission based job – it can be inconsistent. I have AMAZING customers and I really love everything from the CEO’s down about the company. I have worked really hard since I started in March and have made two promotions. I have also built my team to six and plan to keep going. But December was slow- $233 in commission so far. My normal paycheck’s monthly with the law firm added up to about $1,600 a month. I will keep working and keep the best customer service I can for my peeps. However, because we are tight this month I keep fighting the urge to feel lost. I have never been with someone who was the main provider, let alone without me working. Every relationship I have been in, I generally was the “bread winner”, if not the sole provider. I know the resentment that builds from that. I know that when life is good, and you can afford groceries and the basics, with a plus of being able to have enough left for “fun things” is preferable. We have a few months to catch up, I know this won’t be overnight. I know that the coming months will be much better for business. I know that in June most consultants failed and I made my highest commission month out of all the others. I KNOW I can do this.

But, I am suffocating right now. I feel like I need to be running around with a spotless house and keeping up with my posh mark closet. I feel like I need to be doing something more. I don’t want my wife to feel like she needs to work another job, or that we don’t have what we need. We had to call her Mom and borrow $70 to get a couple groceries for the house. My wife and I both get paid on January 10th, so we aren’t far away.

And why is my whole post so far filled with “but’s”. I know I need to accept and recognize and pump myself up for all the great I have done since leaving my full time job. I know that I have done a lot of great things so far, but I am worried it is not enough. I have no idea how to take on this role of stay at home wife. I have no idea what the hell I am doing. Scuse’ the language.

We are still minimalizing our home. I cannot tell you the amount of items we have trashed, donated, or sold. I think we are up to about $200 in sales for stuff we have sold and still so much more to get rid of in one way or another.

Hey, I’m broke. But I am still breathing, my wife is still breathing. We have fur babies for love besides on another. We are happy and we could stand to miss a meal or two. We are broke…but breathing.

Until next time….loan me $1. Or shop my Scentsy site, that helps too! Help a sister out HERE