We ALL deserve love. True, unflinching, unconditional, knock out-leave you breathless love.
I have been married now for three months. However, on January 28th, my wife and I will have been together for four years. I look back at the relationships I had before and although some were as long-term as this relationship – I wasn’t really getting the love I deserved.
I know there is a difference between young love and mature love. I know that sometimes the people we meet are for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I also look back and think to myself Wow, you were so unloved. Is it because we do in fact attract the love we think we deserve. If this is the case, I did not love myself for a very very long time. I accepted cheating, physical abuse, humiliation, verbal abuse, and many other forms of attention that were never what I truly deserved. We have probably all had one or two bad loves. We have probably all had someone who we dated whether seriously or casually that we look back on and think WTH was I thinking?!
Now that I have met my wife, I believe that I now realize that I am not sure I deserve a creature like her, but I must have done some real loving of myself. Before I met my wife, I was six months out of one of the worst relationships I had ever had. I was utterly broken by the woman I dated before my wife. Not only was she an extreme alcoholic, she became physically abusive and had cheated on me several times. I felt like I had done something horrible for someone I loved to treat me so. I also can say with certainty that I had over ten red flags when I met this woman, and I completely ignored them. So the relationship ended after 4 months of her living off of me and refusing to move out of our apartment. I found out shortly before she left how many women she had been with, in OUR apartment on our bed, our couch. I was devastatingly broken. I cried for weeks. I drank a lot of alcohol and I was rarely home. I did not eat, I just drank. I went out constantly with my best friend. I didn’t take care of myself emotionally or my body physically. I even look back at pictures of myself during this relationship and I look physically ill. Not only was I put on blood pressure medicine while dating this woman, but I had my very inflamed gall bladder removed. I remember coming home with a JP drain still hanging from my side. My then partner couldn’t fathom why I didn’t want to go to a summer outdoor drinking party. I had to explain that a JP drain isn’t a fucking purse and that alcohol was the last thing I wanted while still recovering. So she went without me. She also visited me ONCE in my two-day stay at the hospital. So I lost fifty pounds after the breakup. I started regaining my confidence and really just enjoying myself. I started casually going on dates. Nothing solid was in my life.
So in January of 2013, I got on a local lesbian Facebook group. There she was. This blue-eyed, tattooed handsome woman. I facebook stalked her profile and pictures. I just said fuck it, and messaged her. We talked on facebook then switched over to text messages and then to two four-hour long phone conversations. I am a talker, my wife was not much of a phone talker so this was big. I went out with a group of close friends of mine. I admitted I had been talking to this amazing woman and that I would get to meet her soon. Long story short we find out that my friend of ten years, knew my wife as well. They were just as close to her as me. So why did my wife and I never meet before then? Well, fate…duh. Right? We couldn’t wait and she showed up one cold morning in January at my doorstep right when she got off of work. She came in, we laid in bed and talked and we slept for a few hours and then headed to her apartment and to run around for the day. We spent literally every single day we could together after that.
My wife wasn’t my “type”. I was at the thinnest I had ever been. I really felt pretty and attractive as a whole. I was confident and proud. My wife was – looking back now – severely overweight then. I had always dated women who were tall and mostly thin or thick. I never once saw her weight, I saw her loud live out love personality. She was the life of everywhere we went. People were immediately in love with her as soon as they met her.
So looking back….I never had love I deserved. And sometimes I did things that didn’t deserve love. But all of it had to of led me to my wife now. I accepted her love and I believe her love. I could be hairy, no makeup, bright red (as my skin can be sometimes) and sickly looking and my wife can still say “You’re beautiful”, and I believe her.
So cheers, you’ll find the love you deserve and the love that deserves yours.
Until next time…
P.S. the pictures I have attached are from when we first met. 🙂