Money = love

Growing up my father was never a nuturing man. He also didn’t seem to be able to speak the words I love you, although he could write them on cards. Sometimes it would just say “Love, Dad”, well most of the time.

Last Tuesday I wrote C’s mother a very heartfelt and long letter. It is now Sunday night and I have not heard from her. I did however receive a birthday card with a $50.00 gift card to Hastings. It reminds me of my father. He didn’t know how or didn’t want to emotionally connect to me or to my feelings. So instead on holidays or birthdays (if he remembers it, which no he did not this year) he would give me gifts. Or randomly he would take me to book stores and buy me books and gifts. It wasn’t that I didn’t want the gift, because who doesn’t want gifts? It was that it meant we could push things under the rug and not have to talk about them. This is exactly what C’s mother is doing in my opinion. Eventually C will confront her and I hate that she even has to be apart of all of this. There is no logical reason for her mother to dislike me, she just does apparently. And now that we are engaged (over a year now), things have shifted very obviously. I am not sure what to make of all of this. I am not sure I genuinely care either. I think the only reason I do is because I know this hurts C. I know that she so desperately wants her mother and I to get along, to go have coffee, to go shopping together, to just spend time together. I cannot force this puzzle piece to fit where it does not belong.

Speaking of my father, I have called him a few times in the last week. He has not bothered to return my calls, nor did he remember my birthday. Did I mention before that my half sister (one of two he abandoned when they were toddlers) also has the SAME birthday as me. I guess I’m not alone in my misery over that then. It’s a hard thing to know a parent doesn’t remember or doesn’t care to at least say Happy Birthday. This is part of the reason I cried, in the bar, on my birthday.

BUT, next weekend C is taking me away for the weekend for my birthday. She has made plans and I hope it will go much better than this weekend did. I have one more day of vacation tomorrow and then I go back to work. Our new receptionist starts then too, so I will be a busy bee training her. I have also started selling Scentsy. I am excited about that, because I REALLY love their products.

I hope everyone had a better week than me.

Until next time….

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It’s my party I can cry if I want to

C invited about 40 people to come out last night for my birthday. About four people showed and about halfway through the night the alcohol helped me remember everything sad going on and I cried in the bar on my birthday. So we left and got tacos and came homeand that was that. So today is my actual birthday and C had to work so here I am watching Netflix at home by myself on my birthday. Maybe next year will be better.

 

Mommy dearest

I should start this on a happy happy note. My birthday is Saturday as I mentioned, but today was the last day I work this week since I took off for a short vacation. My boss bought me a cake, which accidentally ended up being a “Frozen” themed cake. My boss, her husband (who I also do work for), my co worker and C and I…all had lunch and they even sang Happy Birthday. This was the best birthday I’ve EVER had at work, no where I’ve ever worked before has celebrated like that with me.

Second note, I wrote C’s mom a really long letter last night. I have been aware for awhile that C’s mom and I have a bit of tension between us. A lot of it is money related, ie: C borrows and depends on her parents alot for some of our bigger purchases. However, I think C’s mom thinks that it is because of me or feels she is supporting me too. But truth is I HATE borrowing money from anyone, especially family. C’s mom is not a bad lady, she does a lot for a lot of people and is a genuinely nice woman. She’s been through a lot health wise and she’s definitely a caretaker in the family.

I think C’s mom doesn’t feel that I am “up to par” f or her daughter. I also think she might possibly still be struggling with the fact that C is gay. Regardless, there have been several incidents that were uncomfortable or where she hurt my feelings or was rude. So I wrote her a letter to explain how I felt, etc. I sent it last night, she responded and basically let me know she read it and she would reply when she wasn’t so tired. It is now the next day at 7:00 pm and I have heard nothing from her. So whatev I guess, if she never gets back to me then I know I was right and where I stand.

Tomorrow is my first therapy appointment, I will let yall know how that goes! And will update if I hear from C’s mom.

Until next time…

33 yall.

I’ll be 33 years old on Saturday, not a real “thrilling” age. It’s not a landmark birthday or anything special but it’s definitely one more year older. I’m ready for time to slow down a little bit so I can live as much life as possible and achieve some things.

I have my first therapy session on the 17th, my first solo appointment. I’m nervous but ready and want to see what this is all about and if it will truly help me work through some things. C & I have been really good since our group session, we seem to be communicating a little better for sure. I work one more day this week and then have the rest of the week off until Monday. Originally we had planned to go to OKC, however due to C’s work we can’t go this weekend. Next weekend we will go though and have some fun. I had thought of possibly making a trip to the metro plex and visit our friends there but very few could make it out if we did. Seemed to be a little bit of effort and money to make a two hour drive to just hang out with 3-4 people.

I have failed majorly in blogging everyday but work has been SUPER busy. Lots of trials, depositions and general work to do. I get there and have to run around crazy most every day the last few weeks. BUT, I am excited for my promotion and this vacation too!

I hope everyone has been well and I will try my best to get in another blog tomorrow.

Until next time…

 

White Trash

 

I’m not going to go into detail, but my boss legit called someone I know “white trash”. It really pissed me off. Mostly because she doesn’t know them like that, and two because the reasons she gave for it are ridiculous. The husband is white trash because he does MMA style fighting and then manual labor for his full time. The wife she said just ” looks mean”. I respect my boss but those opinions were moronic and unfounded. So yesterday I was very annoyed with her towards the end of my day and ready to go home. Which I did, and had a beer. I was in bed by 9:00 pm and got up this morning about 6:00 am.

I have not written in a few days because work has been insane. We still have a hole in our building but boss lady’s husband has finally started the repairs so its closed in mostly now. We are rearranging some things, which is nice. We are also hiring for a receptionist so we’ve had a few applicants come in for interviews. Not to mention it is the busiest two weeks as far as depositions and trials go. My birthday is next Saturday, the 19th, and I don’t know exactly what C has planned but I’m excited. We thought we might be low on money but we will be just fine. I am also going to get my own bank account and we have decided on what I will pay and what she will pay. I think we have a great plan together for all that.

I don’t really have a lot to update just yet. Have I written since I saw the therapist with C? I guess I have. My appointment is next friday to go by myself. I am curious to see Quinn’s approach to my anxiety troubles. I’ve never seen someone specifically for my anxiety so I am ready to try and learn something new from all of this.

I hope everyone has a great hump day!

Until next time…

 

No more running

C & I got up at 6:00am this morning to go help out with a run my boss’ husband organized. It was a 5k, 12k or Half Marathon and it was pretty fun. We didn’t actually run it, just set up the turn around point that was hosted at my office. C also dressed up as the easter bunny so that was pretty entertaining. We spent all day together, which was super nice. At 12:30 we went for a couple’s session with the therapist she has been seeing. I really like her, she seemed really chill and seemed to really get us. I set up an appointment to see her on my own. We decided between the three of us that we would do separate sessions and once a month we would all have a session to gather our thoughts and work on anything C & I need to together. We will call the therapist Quinn. Quinn seemed to really pay attention to both of us separately and together, so I am ready to stop running.

By running I mean life, I’ve run from life for so long. I am ready to stop running and to make some sort of progress towards actually living life vs running from it. The friend situation doesn’t seem much better. I did actually reach out to one of my “friends” here in little town, USA. I didn’t feel better after doing so and felt kind of pushed off. So I guess maybe she isn’t really my friend. I know I’ve got a lot of inner work to figure out. I know that I need to answer a lot of questions and really be willing to put in the work. Quinn has agreed to see me on Saturdays due to my work schedule.

On another note we are hiring a receptionist to take over that portion of what I do at work. With my promotion we will need someone to handle the little things I do up front. I have posted and started accepting resumes and the resumes we are getting crack me up. I mean if you’re going to apply for a receptionist position you really should spell check your resume. You should also make sure that your schedule with school, etc. leaves you available to work the shift that is needed for the job you apply for. I am being picky because I don’t want us to go through ten receptionists before we find the right one. Boss lady can be a bit much to work for sometimes, so I need to for sure find someone who has thick skin and works/learns fast.

Anyway I just wanted to make a quick update. I feel so much better after my appointment today with C. I feel much more secure in everything and know I have a partner for life. No one I have ever been with before has ever put effort into our relationship like she is showing now. I am ready to stop running and to start facing things head on. Well, as fast as I can  without overloading the hell out of myself.

Until next time..

It’s not you, it’s me

I’m lonely.

I have a wonderful fiancé, I really do. But sometimes you want your own friends, your own outlet. And I’m just lonely. I have a good job finally, I’m about to get promoted. Promotion includes a raise, a title change and my own office that I can decorate however I want. I have the opportunity to grow and learn. But my social life, is non existent. I have to depend on C if I want to go anywhere or do anything. I have no one to hang out with really. This is just new for me. Back in the metro plex I had many friends, a lot of aquaintences BUT I had friends.  I had someone to call to vent to, or someone to call to drink and forget it all with. I had someone always any time and any day to do something with other than sit in the house by myself. So…I’m just lonely. It’s a crappy feeling.

As I mentioned before C is seeing a therapist. We have made plans for me to go with her to a session, and possibly go myself too. I want to figure out what the bridge is between us. I want to figure out what’s wrong with me. Is it me that people are running from? Am I too abrasive, annoying, too anxious? What is it that is unattractive to people.

I just need my social life and love life to be in the same spot as my work life.

I also go with my mom to her biopsy March 14th. She has a large lump in her breast and we have lots of cancer in our family history. I really hope that this is not that.

I am at a loss for words today so I will leave this here.

Until next time.