Feels

*Sigh* I was going to watch Grey’s Anatomy but I decided to watch  American Idol first and found myself bawling with Keith Urban and Kelly Clarkson over her song “piece by piece”. Seriously yall just go take a listen, catch the live clip from American idol, just listen. Now I just can’t do the Grey’s Anatomy ugly cry night. Will have to wait on that one.

I’ve had a day. C is seeing a therapist to help her handle all the emotion instability that comes with bariatric surgery. When one used to cope by eating, and now cannot eat…well you see the problem. C and I communicate very well, we don’t hold on to pride. We talk things out and we generally tell each other everything, like best friends do. However, when it comes to things she maybe isn’t happy with concerning us or me in general, she seems to just shut down. She is so afraid of hurting my feelings or putting any pressure on our relationship that she just bottles it all up and keeps it sealed. So when she started therapy it terrified me. What if she goes and uncovers all those bottles? Like an alcoholic coming to terms with their addiction. And what if the therapist…doing their job….helps her see I’m not the right fit? Is this logical? Absolutely not. I want her to get the help she needs emotionally. I want her to grow as a person with me and within herself. I want her to be the happiest she can possibly be. But in my own selfish way I think….what if she suddenly realizes she is too good for me?

On the other side of the coin, I am obviously the one in the relationship with some major issues. My anxiety being at the top of the list. We can never “afford” really for me to get the help I really need. But….we’ve been able to afford therapy sessions for her. Does this make any sense? I guess I just am being selfish all around. I want her to talk to me, not a therapist. I want us to work through our own problems, our couple problems and life in general, this day sucks, let’s cuddle and make out problems.

We’ve had talks before previously too about her telling her best friend everything that’s bothering her regarding us or me, but she doesn’t say it directly to me. I guess if her best friend had ever really taken time to get to know me, or if it was a mutual friend who could see both sides I would probably be okay with this. I’m not close to her best friend, we don’t really talk other than small talk when we see each other and through social media. I don’t trust that her best friend has enough insight on the two of us to give a fair opinion. Nor do I think that if ALL her best friend ever hears when she comes in to town is the downfalls, how can she really ever see the highlights?

I really do feel that I have a great relationship. I feel like I have a partner that I can make it the long haul with, but we have issues just like anyone else. We need to work them out, and I am so very fearful of ever letting anyone else in to “our world”. I feel like the less people know about your personal love life, the better of you will be.

After C’s appointment she came to drop some things off at my work for me. I could tell she had been crying and I know that her therapy sessions should be hers and HER process. But when I see her and know she has been or is upset, I definitely want to know why. What happened? And it’s like I can see her physically shut down when I ask. I then immediately feel scared, like it’s all happening and I better get used to seeing her go.

I remember a conversation we had one night very clearly. And what I heard her say was that had she known how BAD my anxiety was, she probably wouldn’t of started the relationship. Now…I know she meant from the get go. I know she doesn’t mean she wants to leave now just because she sees it now. But I literally went into panic mode. Where will I live? Will I move? Will she move? What’s going on? How can I fight this and win and keep her? It’s insane to have that conversation in your head. I was miserable for days. I know I am co-dependent in many ways. I just need help. My own sort of help and I need to feel like my partner is telling me things. I need to know that I am truly her best friend, her person and that we are IN this together, until we die.

But hey, tomorrow is a new day. We get to move to our new place tomorrow. And I need to think about the changes I want to make for myself and within myself.

 

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