You’ve given me more than I’ve ever imagined. I don’t mean to be so ungrateful by being such a cluster f*ck of emotions. I know that some days I can be completely unreliable with my emotions and what I am “up to do”. I know sometimes it sucks to have to stand in line for us everywhere when I just can’t stand still enough to do it. I know you aren’t a cab driver by profession but I appreciate your endless rides wherever I need to go. I’ve never met someone like you. And often, I’m jealous that I’m not more like you. I know that sounds silly because I know how very much you love me just the way I am. But sometimes it’s lonely in the background. I know you don’t care if you get attention or not. I know that you are just THAT electric that people just immediately love you. No one doubts you or your abilities. No one has a bad word to say when your name comes up. Everyone rejoices in your soul, every day. You’re just popular, you always have been and always will be.
I’m sorry that my feelings of less than and anxiety sometimes interrupt our beautiful life. I know that so many people consider me the lucky one, and I know how much you feel like you are the lucky one. I appreciate how everyday I feel because of YOU. You make me want to be better. I don’t say that lightly, because I really feel like love after 30 is different than your 20’s are. Not to diminish those I’ve loved before, but I believe our love is “grown up, move in, work your shit out, last forever love”. I know that you will ALWAYS have my back and I hope you know I’d run to the ends of earth to be there for you.
Watching you walk up to my door the first time I met you just felt like the world stopped. I was in the prime of who I was…I felt like I had finally conquered some of my demons. I was physically closer to being what I wanted to be. I had my shit together for once, I had let go of those who broke me so badly. I was confident, I had a good job that I later realized just wasn’t meant to be.
We’ve made it three years, and I know a lot of people look up to us. I’m proud of that, although sometimes I think people still consider me who I was 10 years ago. They think this relationship works because YOU are you. I tell you, sometimes it’s hard to rejoice in anything when I feel like all the credit for everything we are falls to you. Like I said, this isn’t your fault. People think what they will and I know eventually someday Ill have to just stop giving a shit.
This has been a hard transition moving to WF. You know it has been for me. But I think I needed so badly to see the lack of friendships I really had. That I was holding on to people who didn’t really unconditionally love me and want to keep in touch. I needed to see that sometimes when you grow up, people don’t grow up with you. I needed to learn to enjoy me time…which I am still working on obviously but…I feel like I am finally letting go of what the metro plex was to me for so many years…most of my life. I know this post sounds SO bi polar, but I am trying to make sense of WHO I AM. With you, and on my own. I know some days it is hard to get a grasp on what I’m even doing with my life, but you make it go so much smoother. Waking up to you and having YOU as my partner helps. So even though I know why they all love you so much….I always find myself wondering why it’s ME you chose. Why it’s me you love so much. I don’t mean to demean or belittle who I am or myself, because I know that I too have worth. But when the focus is so much on you sometimes I feel left out.
I’m just rambling away. Till next time….
Muffy Blue & Frensky. Est. 2013