Today’s our anniversay, 3 years and 1 month. We’ve been moving all weekend and I gained an eye infection out of the ordeal, possible pink eye. Let’s get to the point as I type away in notepad without internet connection. We don’t have internet connection until Tuesday and it is only Sunday currently.
SO…C & I finally talked on Saturday night about her therapy sessions. As my gut told me, most of the sessions so far have been spent talking about our relationship and me. It isn’t logical for me to be angry, but I am. It’s never fun to be talked about, and not feel like you are there to give your side. I know that it also shows a defensive reaction, which is a problem, but I just want to be able to input on conversations if I am constantly brought up. Not to mention these sessions were supposed to be revolving around her bariatric surgery and the struggles she has had since having it. She was sent home with “homework” regarding co-dependency. Who is the enabler and who is co-dependent is the question. However, I know myself well enough after 33 years to know I am definitely the co-dependent one. I know I have my share of issues, I have things I need to work on. I don’t think C is perfect, I wouldn’t love her so much if she was. But I feel like the focus is on me, and if it has to be on me…well I need help too. I’ve said before I needed help and we just never seemed to have to money for me to go. During our talk she expressed some things, but mostly I blatantly threw out there what I thought her issues were. I was right on, I know her…she’s my best friend. I’m not blind to the issues we have, or the issues she has within herself. She’s so afraid to be blunt with me, but feels I am her bestfriend. How do we manage the situation we are in? I have been in several long term relationships, 2-4 years long if you consider that long term. She has not really had many long term relationships. She is still learning how they work, and she’s never been one for routines. Not only that but she definitely makes the money in our relationship. I’m usually the “bread winner”, and this is a first for me to be with someone who makes more than I do and generally keeps us a float. She’s decided she wants a seperate bank account. She justifies this in her mind that her parents still have seperate accounts, and they have been married 42 ish years. We have for the last two years at least had the same bank account. Or more like she has one, I cash my checks into it and I manage our bills and pay them through her account. (I could not be added to it because I apparently owe Bank of America money? Even though it is not on my credit report.) Anyway, I am an authorized user on all of her credit cards, I pay the bills between her money and mine. To me it is an insult, and a waste of time. It will just be one more step when I go to pay bills each month to transfer money between accounts to get things done. She feels that she never really sees her own money or has money to do “fun” things with or whatever strikes her fancy. She also feels that she is essentially paying the bills for the recent credit cards I have obtained. Now…I get it. I do really understand, but I also have never looked at her bills or my own as “HERS” or “MINE”, I have always seen ALL of our bills as OURS, combined. During this talk it just struck me that MAYBE she proposed because she knew I wanted that. I have NO DOUBT that C loves me, that she genuinely wants this to be a forever kind of love. I think she is struggling with NEVER having love like we have, and being that this is her first “real” relationship and all the extras of bariatric surgery and being overloaded with school. Some people cope with LOTS of things going on and some don’t. I told her in a very blunt manner that I have no problem taking my ring off until she decides that she want’s to propose because of how much she loves me versus how impatient I am. I am still deciding on this. She’s currently an LVN and is in school to get her RN. And EVERYDAY she is not in school she is at work so she really has no break. On top of that she drives me where I need to go and feels burdened (not her words but I’m pretty good at guessing apparently) by the need to do those things for me, or handle situations that are somewhat stressful. I wanted a house really badly, I have worked on my credit and hers so that we could get to a point to be able to do that. BUT I became aware that driving me to work every morning at 7:00am and her not having to work until 3:00pm, was a burden. SO, I gave up the idea of a house because an apartment was available….less than a minute walk from my work. I can now sufficiently walk my happy tired ass to work every morning and walk home every evening at 5:00pm. Which honestly will be very nice, and I am totally okay with. Not to mention that the living room I am sitting in right now is coming together perfectly. I cannot wait to share pictures of how everything is coming together.

Okay but seriously, I’m just a flawed human. I’m learning as I get older that I’ve got to grow the fuck up and work my shit out. I’ve got to stop spending so much time being afraid and more time doing. Who is to say what makes a life worth living but I’ve got to actually live. I’ve GOT to do something. I feel like I have wasted so much time stressing time. I’ve got so much heart exploding, ready to find my passion in life. I want a love like….

Me…thinking of you…thinking of me…. “Shihan- Love like” Look it up.

I can’t just make empty promises. And the promises I want to make are things that will make my life so worthwhile. It is so hard to find the courage to be someone you’ve never been. I didn’t have some horrible poverty and abuse filled life, but it wasn’t perfect. I’ve loaded myself so full of all the worries of the world and insecurities and somewhere I stopped loving myself fully. I stopped living, I stopped being spontaneous, I stopped having fun and I stopped being an active part of society. I want to do so many things but I legit have to change everything I’m doing and start over. It’s like a mid life crisis. I’m questioning God and love and myself. I’ve never had a relationship with religion, I gave up on having children 10 years ago, I accepted that I’m irrationally anxious. I have lost a passion for life. I want to FIND my passion, I want to explore all the things I always wanted to be. And now….as if this post couldn’t be more random…I found out my mother found a lump in her breast and needs a biopsy over the weekend too. I just feel like I’m at an age where my friends are dying, my parents health is failing and I could lose the love of my life if I don’t get my shit together. How the fuck does one even start?

“On my mind, i passed my bedtime, no rest at the kingdom….alone in my place my heart is away all that I can think of is, we should get married, we should get married, …lets stop holding back on this and lets get carried away , stop making a big deal out of the little things, cause I got big deals and I got little things. I’ve got everything I’m asking for but you…stop making a big deal out of the little things, let’s get carried away. Come right now, you know where I stand…..I just wanna say your mine your mine, I just wanna say your mine your mine, fuck what ya heard your mine your mine. All I’m really asking for is you” – (Queen B) Beyonce feat. Drake- Mine. Look that up too.

I’m just so full of so many thoughts tonight and I feel like I will write a novel of everything in my mind. C feels better after our talk from her words, but I just feel completely unsure. I have no security that she won’t just go. That this will all be too much to handle. In my terms, this is small stuff. I’m an old soul, give it all I got type of love. I’ll work it out till we die and I know what I really need to do. Our problems are small compared to some, and with a little individual therapy and maybe some couple therapy…I know we will be just fine. But I’m losing grip on where to even begin…

“And all she wanted was a little bit of solid….” – Atmosphere- “Pour me another” Yep, you got it. Look that up.

But let’s sum it all up with…I need help. I apparently cannot do this alone, I can’t cope alone. A therapist once told me I “hustle”. I’ve always managed, if I can’t pay a bill I’d go get a payday loan or I’d pawn something till next pay check. I’ve always “made it”, I’ve always bounced back after having my heart ripped out, I’ve made it through some shit. If nothing else I am resillient. But am I making it, or am I covering the pile and coping? Am I hoarding my feelings and eventually the seams will bust and I’ll lose my shit in a padded room? Where am I going and what exactly am I doing? Bless ANY one who gets this far. I know I’m rambling and I know I’m going over so many topics. But like I said, my brain is SO full.

“Just give me all of you in exchange for me…break it down. Yessir, check…we used to stay up and then lay up” – Bryson Tiller- Exchange. Shall we even go over this again?

I feel like my fingers cannot stop typing and if I can just unload everything going on that maybe I’ll feel better. Before we moved here I had friends. I had a lot of friends in fact. I moved two hours away and I was okay with that because I had her and it felt like an adventure to start over. But then I found myself jumping from job to job which wasn’t in my normal routine. I’m a long term girl in every aspect. I found that the people I kept ending up attracting or hanging out with were drama or not really friends, just part-timers. I found that I had spent so many years building friendships, that I had too high expectations of those around me. And then in conversations with C last night I found out that sometimes she is embarrassed of my abrasive personality and need to give full honesty 100% of the time, no matter the consquence. She possibly feels like I have pushed away some of the friends we did have here. I don’t feel that we really had friends of substance here. So in turn for all of that I feel like sometimes she is just flat our embarrassed of me. When I am so proud of myself for staying true to who I am, I find that now I am doubting who I am. But it doesn’t matter, truth is… HERE….in this town, I have maybe two actual friends. Back home? I have maybe one hand’s worth of friends who actually make an effort anymore.

Fuck. It’s time to just get it together huh? I’m making an appointment tomorrow, someone…anyone…hold me to it.
Time to get it going….Seriously, thanks for reading. If you even made it here….

“One thing that I still know…is that youre keeping me….down…….youre keeping me down…….yeahhhh. Youre on to me, on to me and all over…..something always brings me back to you, it never takes too long….” – Sarah Bareielles- “Gravity”. Top ten.

Goodnight.
11:32 PM 2/28/2016

 

UPDATE 3/1/16: I am feeling much better since this emotional train of thought. I just needed some time to think over some things and gather myself. We will be fine, we always are fine. I just will need to work through some things with her, as we should as a couple. Thanks for listening…err….reading. 🙂

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